The Best Reader:
deb caletti

Back in May when I started planning the"Stand Up Against Abuse" feature, I talked often with Deb Caletti. She is so fantastic in so many ways but it really amazed me how honest and open she is about her own personal struggles with an abusive relationship. While reading her story, and seeing the list of"warning signs" she had posted, I was brought to tears several times. This was a list formed for the book The Secret Life of Prince Charming and Deb was kind enough to let me post this list here.
This list is so helpful! If you think your partner may be abusive, or if you know a friend who you suspect may be going through abuse, please take time to read this list. I've had a few instances of relationship abuse, one personal, and one through watching a friend go through it. I've seen how it can tear a person down. I've seen how it can turn from loving to obsessive and how that obsession can turn into a deadly situation.
I hope that the interviews from this week, and this list, will help the readers see how abuse can take over and truly destroy so many lives.

Watch Out!: Mom’s “refrigerator list” from The Secret Life of Prince Charming, by Deb Caletti

He has a victim attitude
The rules apply to everyone else, not him
He wants to get involved too fast.
He belittles you or your accomplishments.
He has big dreams but no real plans to back them up.
You have a sense that something’s wrong, but can’t quite figure out what it is.
He criticizes what you wear.
He uses phrases like, ‘Women are always… ’ ‘Women never… ’
He’s a thrill-seeker.
He’s a perfectionist, tells you how things should be done.
He’s moody or intense.
He tells you about his terrible childhood, or you feel sorry for him.
He’s a dirty, rotten liar.
He tells you you’re lucky to have him.
He says you’re too sensitive.
You feel you need to pay a private detective to get the truth about him.
He blames others for his actions.
He competes with you.
He tells you you’re perceiving a situation wrong – negates instead of validates what you
feel.
He’s explosive.
He nitpicks.
You feel he’s never experienced real love and so you want to save him with yours.
He often feels rejected by you.
He’s jealous or watchful — you feel suffocated.
He is mistreated or misunderstood.
He has either a very low opinion of himself, or a very high one.
He has strong black and white thinking about morals, religion, sex, you, and feels morally
superior to you and others.
He calls you names.
You get the feeling that you’re only getting part of the story.
You begin to think your feelings are wrong, you’re not seeing clearly, or you begin to
make excuses for him.
He thinks there is a right way to do everything. He denies being controlling – he states
he is only helping you do things “better.”
He says something didn’t happen that did happen (“gaslighting”).
He criticizes your friends or family and tries to isolate you or dominate your time.
He controls how the relationship goes – where you go out, what you eat, when you are
done talking.
He believes or acts as if he is more special than other people.
His words twist and turn in an argument or otherwise – he’s manipulative.
You hear him lie to other people or excessively exaggerate.
He treats you like you’re stupid or crazy, or tells you so.
He drops names or his accomplishments or things meant to impress into conversations
whenever he can.
He has ardent, narrow and very traditional views of men’s and women’s roles.
He’s overly sensitive, and reads things in to what you say. He’s always getting his
feelings hurt.
He extremely interested in his appearance or his body.
He still throws tantrums.
He has a family background that involves alcoholism, violence or mental illness.
He is distant and cold one minute and then warm and loving the next.
He withholds his love and affection when he’s angry, instead of talking with you about
what’s on his mind.
He thinks the rules don’t apply to him.
He thinks he deserves only the best, and doesn’t like to settle for less.
He does not admit to or recognize mistakes, or his part of a problem.
He ignores you often or is often distant.
He does poorly at school or work; he has trouble getting along with those in authority; he
quits jobs often or spontaneously.
He uses drugs or has had numerous sexual partners or has legal or financial problems.
He is an outrageous flirt.
At the start of your relationship, he uses excessive flattery and tells you just what you
want to hear.
He doesn’t admit to being angry, even when he’s yelling.
He needs excessive approval.
He’d dependent on you.
He’s a loner.
He thinks rules were made to be broken.
He’s aggressive, or a bully.
He is in any way too forceful or does not respect your boundaries.
He’s always in the spotlight.
You’ve given up telling him how you really feel – there’s no use.
No one but you sees his bad side.
Everyone but you sees his bad side.

Remember to check out THIS PAGE to sign up to win a copy of the books featured during"Stand Up Against Abuse" week. Help spread the word about the links and phone numbers listed on that page.

1.What made you decide to share a story involving relationship abuse?

My initial goals were less about message than story — I wanted to write something suspenseful and atmospheric, a ghost story. That said, healthy and unhealthy relationships are subjects I keep returning to as a writer, probably because of my own past experience.

While I’ve not been in a relationship exactly like Clara’s, I’ve been with an abusive partner. (You can read more about this here, if you’re interested: http://debcaletti.com/archives/59).

Now, I just have this hope, this big, giant HOPE that young women (and young men) manage to stay out of those places. I hope they’ll understand themselves better than I did, I hope that they’ll put themselves only in good hands, and, more than anything, I hope that they’ll know. There was so much I didn’t know. And how can we know all that we need to about this, with the basic messages we still get? This is why I shared this particular story. To say, please know. To say, hey, those vampire books… The ones that show dark, obsessive “love” as romantic? There’s nothing romantic in something that will slowly but surely steal your confidence, joy, and ability to act in your own best interest. There’s nothing romantic about a person who frightens you.

2. What do you think teens should know in order to stay safe in a relationship?

I think it’s important to be smart and know the warning signs of a potentially abusive partner. Getting involved quickly, intensity, possessiveness, jealousy — these are things that might not seem like a big deal unless you’re aware that they are indicators of serious trouble ahead. But, even more, it’s important to listen to ourselves. Things can go wrong slowly, and there are always those little red flags at the beginning, those times when we think, “Huh? What was THAT?” We ignore that voice sometimes, though, because the “love” or excitement or approval feels so good right then. We might see red flags, but not want to see. Our strong need/desire for the relationship can cause us to explain away the worrisome things we see. But, “He wants me” is not the same thing as “He loves me.” And that little voice inside going, “Hey, wait. There’s something wrong here” – it knows.

3. Are there any resources for teens that you would recommend? (websites, phone numbers, groups, etc.)

The first thing I would suggest if you find yourself in a situation like Clara’s (or any other type of abusive relationship) is to start talking – to friends, family, teachers, counselors. People on the bus. The mail lady. Anyone. Your reality gets very twisted up, and it’s crucial to hear voices of clarity. Having someone say, “He/she did WHAT?!” is a first step to seeing straight and getting out. Their outrage and sense of what’s normal is hugely important, as you’ve likely lost both of those things. You can also call The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE or the National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline at 1-866-331-9474. One site for teens: www.loveisrespect.org.

4. What do you hope teenagers take from reading STAY?

If STAY helps readers recognize what this kind of relationship abuse looks like, how it builds, how complicated your feelings become, and the long-lasting damage it can do, then I am one happy writer. Too, I hope readers will see that anyone can find themselves in that place. Clara is “anyone.” I get really upset with the people (often other women, even more often very young women), who say, “Not me. Never me. She’s an idiot. I would NEVER… ” It’s arrogant, unkind, and naïve. The slope from here to there is slippery and complex, and the effect one person can have on another – on their confidence, strength, and their capacity to take action – can be profound and dramatic.

I hope readers will also take away the fact that abuse is always bigger than you are. The issues that drive someone to do those things are not solvable or cured by your love or reassurance or even by you setting down the rules of what you’ll put up with. There is no approach you can take to make it “work.” The most important thing is this: real love does not ever, ever cause you to feel small, trapped, or scared. Real love is safe.

Stay by Deb Caletti
Publisher: Simon Pulse (April 5th, 2011)
Reading Level: Young Adult
Hardcover: 313 pages

Clara's relationship with Christian is intense from the start, and like nothing she’s ever experienced before. But what starts as devotion quickly becomes obsession, and it's almost too late before Clara realizes how far gone Christian is—and what he's willing to do to make her stay.
Now Clara has left the city—and Christian—behind. No one back home has any idea where she is, but she still struggles to shake off her fear. She knows Christian won't let her go that easily, and that no matter how far she runs, it may not be far enough…

Find Deb Caletti
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Purchase Stay
Amazon | Barnes & Noble | The Book Depository

Remember to check out THIS PAGE to sign up to win a copy of this book and the other books mentioned during"Stand Up Against Abuse" week. Help spread the word about the links and phone numbers listed on that page.